Just Like Michelangelo's David
by LowlifeTheory
Summary: Stiles wants to hang out on Monday's but Derek's busy. Stiles puts his best investigation skills to good use...


This is all the fault of Omega696 and Boy_On_Strings! See what happens when you encourage my crazy. Actually it's more Stilesy that I thought it would be.

I don't own Teen Wolf but if I did this would definitely be an episode, or part of anyway.

'Where are you going on Monday night that you can't go see Invasion of the Body Snatchers with me? Stiles whispered as the text came back saying "It's Monday. Busy."

It was a simple enough question, one Stiles felt deserved a simple answer, but nothing was ever simple with Stiles. Monday nights were no go nights with Derek. He was never there, he would never make plans, would barely even answer texts or phone calls at a reasonable time. They were almost going out after all so Derek should have no issues with telling Stiles why Monday nights was out of bounds.

For the last seven Mondays Stiles had tried to contact his almost boyfriend. His texts went unnoticed. His emails were ignored. Hell his sexting didn't even get a response for hours, and the filthy pictures of Stiles in a very small towel were an epic failure. Actually they weren't because Derek crawled through Stiles' window just before midnight that night and humped Stiles until they both came in their pants. It was the first orgasm ever helped along by another physical being. Stiles counted that as a win. And a distraction from the issue at hand.

Point is Stiles wants to know what was so special about Monday nights. He needed to find out, if he didn't he may cease to breathe or some other horrific alternative that he couldn't think of right at this precise moment in time, so he does the most logical thing he could. He makes a list.

Derek is an underground fighter.

Stiles likes this option so much he left his list, locked the bathroom door and masturbated to the image of blood and sweat on Derek's chest. When he finally manages to kick-start his brain he goes back to his bedroom, carefully covering option one with a loose sheet of paper and thought about option two.

Derek is a club bouncer.

This actually makes sense. Derek would make a great bouncer; he would club people around the head for next to nothing. There would be a multitude of walls for him to slam people into and get his werewolf jollies off to.

Derek does his laundry on a Monday night.

Fair point, he decides because the man naturally has to do it sometime and laundry is a very private thing. Stiles hates the thoughts of anyone but himself seeing his dirty under crackers, or sleep pants, especially after some of those fantastically vivid dreams he has…

Derek has a family and Monday is the day he's allowed to see his kids.

This thought makes Stiles hyperventilate. 'How much do I actually know about Derek?' He asks the paper.

He's twenty three. Check.

He was in New York. Check.

He's a werewolf. Check.

He drives a black Camaro. Check.

He has the ass of a god. Check.

Now he was just grasping at straws. Something needs to be done about this family Derek has. Derek needs to tell Stiles about his kids. There was only one person Stiles knew who could help him.

Scott, as it turns out, is a shit werewolf. Stiles has managed to break into his room and creep up behind him and Scott's eyes are still glued to the laptop, headphones over his ears. He's watching old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, no doubt drooling over Cordelia. Again.

'Boo!' Stiles says grabbing his arm.

Scott jumps, falls onto the floor and comes up holding what looks like a plastic golf club. Nice. 'Stiles?' He asks dumbly.

'The one and only. I need your help.'

'What is it?'

'Derek has a secret family.'

'What! How do you know?' Scott says trying and failing to drop the green stick without Stiles noticing. Stiles wonders briefly if Scott still has that old light sabre in here.

'I just do. I made a list.'

'You mean he has…'

'Wife. Kids. A dog. Do you think he has a cat? I don't picture him as a cat person but a man can be surprising when it comes to family pressure.'

'Family pressure?'

'Yes. To have a cat. I bet he calls it Lunch. I bet he wants to chase it.'

'Chase what?'

'His cat!'

'Derek doesn't have a cat!'

'How do you know?'

Scott opened his mouth. Then he closed it. 'Ah…'

'Precisely, what do we know about Derek? What do we really know about Derek Hale?' Stiles says. Hes waving his list around his head and Scott snatches it from his hand. He frowns as he reads.

'I think number one-'

'Don't say another word about that one.' Stiles says holding a finger up. He had it carefully covered on the way over. He's so angry about number four that he doesn't think he will react to number one but it's not worth the risk in his best friend's house.

'I don't think Derek has a secret family.' Scott says.

'Well what does he do on a Monday night?'

'I don't see Allison on a Monday night.'

'Really? Why?'

'It's our apart night. We do…other things.'

'And you accept that?'

'Well…yes.'

'But Monday nights Allison could be pole dancing in that club that we always try to sneak into in Dawson!'

'Pole…'

'Damn it Scott! Focus!' Stiles shouts. The door opens and a very groggy Melissa stares at the two of them.

'It's almost midnight boys. Stiles what are you doing here?'

'Drama class.' Stiles answers. 'Practicing for Drama class. Miss Mogerdodge says its best to practice at night before bed because then we remember our lines better…you know.'

'Because we're sleeping on them.' Scott adds.

'Not the script. The lines. In our head.'

'You boys have school tomorrow. It's Sunday night. Get some sleep like normal people and start the week fresh.' Melissa says backing out of the room.

'I have an idea.' Stiles says turning to Scott.

'Stiles no!' Scott whines.

'Yes. We'll follow Derek. Like sleuths. I'll organise disguises!'

'Oh god!' Scott whined, Stiles just opened Scott's closet and dragged the spare sleeping bag and pillow he kept there out.

'Now, make a tent, get the torch and let's plan this out!'

'Stiles we're not ten anymore!'

'And snacks, we need snacks.'

'What about sleep?'

'That's what schools for!'

XXX

Stiles hiked his collar around his neck and pushed his shades up his nose. 'Dude its November!' Scott hissed.

'We're in disguise!' Stiles muttered out of the corner of his mouth as Derek turned into a parking lot. Stiles slowed down enough to see him get out and walk into a building before he sped up, did an illegal turn and ended up parked in the darkest corner of the car park.

Stiles killed the engine and sunk low in his seat. 'Right, when we go in I have to know you've got my back.'

'Stiles, they do dance classes and AA meetings in there.'

'You don't think Derek has a drink problem do you?'

'I wouldn't know.' Scott huffed. 'Look this is sill-oh my god what's that car doing here?'

'What car? Is it Derek's wife's SUV?'

'No, its Allison's car. We have to go in there.'

'Do you think she has a drink problem? Oh my god you said dance classes, maybe she's pole dancing and Derek's stuffing one dollar bills into her thong!'

Scott growled, his eyes flashed amber and Stiles hit the central lock button before Scott did something stupid. Like make Derek angry.

'Ok, let's sit here and breathe and calm down.' Stiles said. 'In. And out. In. And out.'

'Stiles we are not pregnant women.'

'They do this in yoga too.' Stiles defended. Scott stared. 'I found it on the fitness channel.' Scott raised an eyebrow. 'How dare you judge me? They were wearing skin tight leotard thingy's!'

'Male or female?'

'Both! It was hot. I was totally picturing a yoga orgy!'

'Dude.'

'Right. Good, you're calm. Let's go inside. Now remember, you've got my back ok!'

They got out. Scott tramped right through the parking lot despite Stiles' hissing hand signals demanding he creep around the walls. Scott was waiting for him by the door.

The corridor was quiet as Stiles pushed in front of Scott. They to the end of a corridor to where a low voice was talking, guiding. Stiles burst through the door…and found a bunch of pensioners stretching in various coloured leotards. He closed the door quickly and begged his mind to clear the images away be he knew that those stretching grannies would be in his head until the day he died.

He was more cautions with the next door, which looked like a language class. German he thought. He paused at the third door, hand twisting the knob slowly. The door creaked as he opened it but no one paid him any attention, they were all focused on the weird shapes on tables in front of them and something in the middle of the room. Someone was naked and had a great ass and…it was Derek.

There he stood in all his glory naked as the day he was born. His back was to the door, his shoulders were tense, his muscles were taught, his legs were…legs, hell from this distance you could bounce a nickel off his ass it was so firm!

'Derek!' Stiles said.

'Allison!' Scott said.

'Shush!' Allison said from the back of the room her eyes flicking from Naked Derek to Naked Derek. 'I'm on the penis and it's a very delicate part. James, I may need more clay.' Allison said. An older man with a pink goatee made his way over to stand behind Allison. He fingered the goatee as he examined the clay.

'Yes my dear you certainly do.' He said looking between the sculpture Allison was working on and Derek in the middle of the room, who was glaring over his shoulder at Stiles and Scott making his "get out or I'll rip your throat out with my teeth" face.

'Um…' Stiles said making his way closer to where Allison was working. Allison shot him a smile and a wave before going back to making Derek's penis. Scott was trailing miserably behind Stiles, whimpering every so often.

'It's very large.' Allison said conversationally as she turned her head this way and that. Scott made a particularly pathetic noise at her comment as he joined them. Stiles just swallowed and nodded.

'I just remember I have a thing…kids to let out and bedtime and…I have to go!' He said rushing out the door. He needed to call Lydia. The dildo they bought last Saturday was no good; they needed something more…more. He could hear Scott's feet on the linoleum tiles behind him.

'Um…my girlfriends touching your almost boyfriends penis.' Scott said as the cool air hit him in the face. They were safely in the car before Scott bent forward, head between his knees. 'Oh my god I seen Derek's penis! Oh my god.'

'And what a god it was.' Stiles grinned. 'My friend, I think I have just discovered I have a size kink!' Stiles said slapping Scott's back. He definitely needed a bigger dildo to 'practice' with…and maybe some way to restrain Derek so he could examine that thing!


End file.
